Page design for 39. OPINIONS by Allen You

It has been about four months since the publication of the “A Bid for Bidets” story in October’s Culture Issue. While I’m proud of the final work, the story was ultimately cut down and edited heavily to fit into our newsmagazine and appropriateness scale. Think of this as a bloopers reel for the story.

Original Story

I have fond memories of playing in the lawn as a child. My neighborhood friends and I would set out a hose and get soaked, see the rainbows made by the hose’s “Mist” setting and occasionally attach a sprinkler and jump across that wall of water as if jumping out of the sky. It was some of the most fun I had growing up.

Nowadays, my life is rather waterless. No longer do I have the time or the desire to prance and frolic about streams of water. My life fell into a dry darkness. I was thirsting for a new experience to bring me back to the good ol’ days.

It was the bidet that brought a new light into my dry spell. 

One day, I was at a high-brow dinner party when I had to use the bathroom. Ah, I’ll just get on Clash of Clans for a little, I thought, unknowing of the pleasures ahead of me.

I turned the doorknob and was greeted first by flowery paintings, then by the elegant sink. And out of the corner of my eye, I spotted what seemed like a TV remote attached to a toilet seat. I slowly approached the remote. Perhaps with the right commands, I could unlock a gateway to a pocket dimension. Perhaps it could stop (or start) a nuclear launch. Perhaps a black hole would randomly appear and engulf the entire solar system.

I gingerly turned the knob to the lowest setting. A small jet of water emerges from under the toilet seat. I take notice of the tiny hose and its connection to the remote. A moment of bewilderment is followed by a smile as I open Clash of Clans.

[Story would’ve gone on from here, but I stopped writing it]

Reason why it got cut: I realized midway through writing it that it literally had nothing to do with culture. This was the “Culture Issue.”

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Pricing Paragraph

As for pricing, it really depends on what you’re looking for. The traditional standalone bidet usually comes in the price range of $200-600. Though this doesn’t take into account plumbing costs. More modest are the bidet attachments, which are in the $40-100 range, but still give a great bathroom experience nonetheless. And for the overachievers among us, you can buy a smart toilet. These retail at about $1500-2000, but offer so much in terms of utility. The bidets have customizable water pressure, spray pattern, bubble infusion, an air dryer and a host of other features that I never knew could exist. 

And if you want to unleash your inner Jeff Bezos, you can purchase a Numi 2.0 Intelligent Toilet. For $7000, you get a toilet that has adjustable ambient lighting, every spray preference ever and to top it all off, a built-in Amazon Alexa. Which means you can tell your toilet to flush with a voice command. Not only that, but you could also tell your toilet Alexa to play “Dynamite” by BTS, not that I’ve ever tried it. 

Reason why it got cut: didn’t fit on page.

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Poseidon’s Kiss Edition

If you’ve ever tried it, you know it’s earned its marks. One of the best qualities of the Toto-type bidets is the versatility. With toilet paper, there’s one setting: reach down and go at it. With the remote-controlled bidet, there’s plenty of control over your hygiene experience. There’s low: a gentle, warm Poseidon’s kiss without the discomfort; medium: a more forceful yet mellow way to keep clean; and high, my personal favorite and a promise for your rear end’s cleanliness.  

Reason why it got cut: cowardice.

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